How's Your Life ... In Progress

Fleet Foxes
Montezuma lyrics

So now I am older,
Than my mother and father,
When they had their daughter,
Now what does that say about me.
Oh how could I dream of,
Such a selfless and true love,
Could I wash my hands of?
Just lookin out for me

Oh man what I used to be
Oh man oh my oh me (x2)

..........

I was listening to the song "Montezuma" by Fleet Foxes the other day, and after getting sucked into the loveliness of the song's harmonies I began to reflect upon its lyrics.

My parents met when my mom was 17 years old and my dad was 19.  They were married by the time they were my age and had me and my brother a few years later.  It is weird to me to think how "adult" they were while I still feel at times like an "inbetweener" - in between adolescence and adulthood, in between youth and maturity.  

I can't even imagine falling in love so young and being with someone for so many years, let alone then starting a family.  It is something that I would really like for my future, but I falter in my comprehension of it. 

And quite frankly, I don't know what that says about me.  Maybe it says I'm too selfish at this point in my life ... and that I shouldn't judge myself because everyone is on their own path and timeframe for life to happen to them.  I'm just not really sure.

I know that I want to find that selfless and devoted love talked about in the song, seen with my own eyes through my parents long relationship, whatever the ups and downs. I know that I want to be self-sacrificing for another person and have children to do the same for.  And my time will come when it will come, it's just not there yet.  

It's interesting to me ... I do not have many friends who have children yet, but I do have quite a few who are married and I'm sure that that next step will not be too far off.  And when I do see a friend with a child, I always think to myself how has that changed them? It must make you a completely different person ...  you are now responsible for a living being, now living for something, someone else entirely. And if I'm honest, that scares me a little bit.

I remember visiting a friend to meet her child for the first time.  And the funny thing is I saw the changes in her and her husband.  Saw the love between them and their child, the fear and anticipation and excitement over the child's every move.  I heard my mother's voice, "the mom voice," coming from my friend's mouth.  But then, shortly after the baby took a nap, the group of us that had gathered to visit her child decided to play a round of beer pong.  She was still the same person.

See that's the thing with growing up ... I think we stay the same people, but just get older - doing our best to learn along the way.  And when the time is right for life to happen, for adulthood to fully emerge, life comes to us - because you have to be ready for it.  No shortcuts or straight lines - but taking life for all its zigzags. 

I leave you with this scene from Gross Point Blank:

And when people ask me how my life is at the moment, I will also say "in progress"