A long while back I watched a good movie by Tom McCarthy called "Win Win." In one of the pivotal moments in the film, Paul Giamatti's character asks his young costar, a boy he has taken in who has become a high school wrestling star, "What's it like to be as good as you are? What does that FEEL like?" His costar responds, "I don't know. I guess it feels like I'm in control of everything. You know what I mean?"
That scene hit me like a stack of bricks, stayed with me. Yes, yes I do indeed know what he means, because right now I know what the OPPOSITE of that feels like. What makes it all the more difficult is when you have experienced that feeling of "being in control" "being so good" at what you do, and all of a sudden that serene sensation of unbridled dominion over yourself, your abilities, your passions seems to abandon you.
It has been a really long time since I have sensed that feeling of "control" that comes with being so self-assured, confident, and driven that you are at your best, GREAT, at your chosen path. I honestly think that the last time I have truly felt like that was probably in high school or college, where I stood out due to my academics and athletics. I felt so confident in my abilities and strengths back then. But it makes sense too that that would be the time where I could experience such a sensation at its peak - during those years we are trying to develop our dreams while finding out who we are as people. We are more fearless and courageous in our decisions. When we blossom into our adult selves, it seems that our job shifts from being ourselves, finding ourselves, to discovering what other people want from us.
And when you walk out on, carelessly disregard, are reckless with, forsake, surrender .... GIVE UP .... on who you are meant to be as a person there are CONSEQUENCES. The most severe and overwhelming consequence being that feeling of "control" fading away as you try to wholeheardedly and unsuccessfully grip onto it. Chase after it like the best of highs, only to have the worst of withdrawals.
I miss that susceptibility and awareness of "feeling in control of everything." I miss it desperately, WILDLY, the void feeling like when you have your heart broken. But within that empty space within my heart, I have slowly, meticulous, begun to fill it with desire, hope, faith, and the assurance that the will to make my dreams a reality still remains within me. I have gradually learned the composure and endurance necessary to face difficulties and yet not falter in pursuit of my true ambitions. I have deliberately adjusted my expectations in recognition that it is the small, minor steps that advance you towards the large goal.
I carry this feeling of loss of "control," because as Greta Garbo said best, "Is there anything better than to be longing for something, when you know it is within reach?" And what it's like to be as good as I am, to feel in "control" of everything, is only inches, fingertips, away - I can feel it!